We don’t parent alone. Maybe sometimes we imagine that might be easier. Maybe sometimes we fantasize about how the perfect “Disney Parenting Partner” would swoop in, take all the stress away, and then rub our feet after putting everyone to bed and cleaning the house. But really — really we parent with other people who are human. Real, live, vulnerable, flawed humans who also weren’t expecting to spend this much time, effort, and money on parenting. Ugh.
We had our dream about what our family would look like. They had their dream. We had the way we were going to parent. They had how they were going to parent. And here we are. One of us wants to accommodate. One of us wants to “tough love.” One of us wants to spend on therapies. One of us is pretty sure they’ll grow out of it. One of us is reading all the books. One of us is winging it (“how hard could it be, right?”). And we’re both pretty sure we have it right — “if only they would get on board…”
Truth bomb: parenting is bigger than both of you. Period. There is a time for this and a time for that. You’re holding a valid piece of the puzzle, and so are they — even if you’re holding more pieces. You can do all the right things and have everything go wrong, and you can do all the wrong things and have a kid who looks outwardly perfect. Parenting is complex. It involves a third person: your child. It involves their siblings. Their extended family. Their school. Your community. And Hashem.
I believe you that your parenting partner has what to work on. All the voices in your head that replay what they could do and should do better have a grain of truth. And when you zoom out — really zoom out — raising a human is a big job. If you expect your parenting partner to carry all the weight that is too much for you, they will never be enough. Parenting needs support. Technical support. Emotional support. Spiritual support. Because no matter how much we fantasize, we don’t parent alone.
Questions for contemplation: Who are the partners who support me in raising my children — and have I let myself name them, or do I carry the picture that I’m doing this alone? How do I feel, and how do I respond, when my parenting partner and I are misaligned? When do I most feel Hashem partnering with me in the success of my children? Where am I waiting for someone else to “get on board” before I can move forward — and what would shift if I stopped waiting?