Last week I sat with a client who I have been seeing for many years. Amongst other challenges, our focus is often on her relationship with her husband. We have discussed many aspects of her relationship and I asked her what stayed with her from our last session.
She told me she didn’t remember much but the one thing that stayed with her was: “protect or connect.” That’s when I realized the power of that statement. This idea of connection vs protection is really what a lot of our work comes down to. Let’s explore this concept a little further through different approaches. A therapeutic approach and maybe even an approach to life I feel strongly connected to is Internal Family Systems (IFS). IFS is based on the idea that we all have different parts of ourselves — like the part that worries, the part that gets angry, or the part that tries to keep everyone happy — and each part is trying to help us in its own way. Sometimes these parts take over because they’ve learned they need to protect us from pain, even if their strategies no longer work well. IFS helps you understand and connect with these parts from a calm, compassionate place within yourself so they can heal and work together instead of against each other. When we can connect to our own parts from a loving place, we also learn to recognize the parts of our loved ones and are able to connect to them. The more we understand these parts, we can spend time connecting to ourselves and others instead of protecting ourselves from others. Even from a brain science perspective, when we feel threatened — whether physically or emotionally — our brain shifts into survival mode. In those moments, the part of the brain responsible for protecting us takes over, while the part that helps us think clearly, reflects and makes thoughtful decisions becomes less active. This is why, when we’re feeling hurt, scared or overwhelmed, it can be difficult to stay calm, listen openly, or respond in the way we would like to. Which in turn explains why we are either in connection or protection mode. One of the methods that has proven to be very effective helping couples is Emotional Focus Therapy (EFT). One of the fundamental principles of EFT is that our relationship with our significant other is influenced by our attachment to our primary caregivers. The attachment theory explains that when caregivers are consistently responsive to a child’s needs, it creates a secure attachment, enabling the child to develop trust and emotional independence.
Conversely, inconsistent or rejecting care can lead to insecure attachment styles, which often manifest as anxiety, avoidance, or difficulty forming close connections as an adult. While learning this method, the course invited participants into a space of depth, truth, authenticity, and meaningful self discovery. Many of the attending clinicians found themselves in tears. Whether this was due to the realization of the deep truths of this course or possibly because of the realization of their own attachment styles and how it has affected their own relationship with their significant other. It was then that I realized how incredibly grateful I am.
Five years ago, my beloved mother passed away far too young. I miss her every day, yet she left me with one of the greatest gifts I could ever receive. She was warm, compassionate, and deeply passionate about people. She always had a listening ear, and almost every day she would tell me how proud she was of me. I remember thinking, Mom, I got out of bed, got dressed, and ate breakfast — what exactly are you so proud of? Years later, as a wife, mother, sister, friend, and practitioner, I finally understand the legacy she gave me. There is something profoundly powerful about a parent who consistently and unconditionally communicates, “I am proud of you,” and “I love you simply because you are you.” Those messages become woven into a child’s sense of self. Over time, they grow into an inner foundation of confidence, security, and resilience that no one can easily take away. When we carry that kind of secure foundation within us, we are more able to enter relationships from a place of connection rather than protection. We don’t have to spend so much energy proving our worth or guarding ourselves against rejection. Instead, we are freer to be present, to love, and to be loved. This is exactly what my client hinted to. When we become aware of our parts and can recognize whether we are in protection or connection mode, we can start doing the work to have healthy and meaningful relationships with ourselves and our loved ones.
This article is written in loving memory of my mother, Elisheva bat Yakov.