Some of us parent more alone than others. Some of us wish we were parenting alone. We all have our own experiences. A few words from one single mom.
Dear God,
When I stood before You on my wedding day, my heart was bursting with prayer and gratitude. Prayer for the home that I would build. Gratitude for getting me to this point. Hopes and images of an ideal home — of joy, of gladness, of togetherness, of celebration, of growth. A place where You could dwell among us, and where I could raise children that You would take pride in, together with me. Together with my husband. You know how much prayer and good intention I brought into the building of this home. You’ve heard me crying out. My heart has broken so many times over. There was so much I couldn’t control. So many decisions made that I wish I’d had a say in. We had a three-way partnership in the raising of our children: my husband, myself, and You. My husband made choices I’ll never fully understand. What was a three-way partnership has become a two-way one. He left the business. So now here we are — You and me and four beautiful children, with a lot of fear and pain.
I’m doing my best to pick up the pieces. There are some things I can do that he used to do. I can take out the trash. I can pay the gas bill. I can try to plan ahead so I don’t have to run out for the last-minute things he used to grab sometimes. But there’s so much I can’t do — so much I expected my partner to do, that he couldn’t or didn’t and will no longer do. The sense of stability and security that comes from a two-parent home. The voice of a father’s love, of pride, of inspiration. Some of the breadwinning he once carried and no longer does. There are parts of this business he’s dropped that I know I’m too weak to pick up. And what’s already fallen to my shoulders is more than they can carry — they’ve been stooped for years as it is.
And still — in the moments when my children are doing something beautiful, something delightful, let me remember to look toward You. To wink. To say thank you. Let me feel You enjoying them, glowing with pride right alongside me. It isn’t nearly as much fun to witness alone. And so I turn to You. You were the third partner. Now I’m putting You in the driver’s seat. I’ll be Your Co. Please guide this ship toward calmer waters. Give me a place to dock, a harbor I can trust. Help me feel an anchor holding even when the waves are chopping at me. Please guide us to safety, to security, to well-being — financially, emotionally, spiritually. I thought I couldn’t do it without him. And now I’m starting to believe that I can. But I know for certain that I can’t do it without You.
So hold this home with me. Hold these four children with me. Help me build a home — even now, even like this — that can still be a place where You dwell. And help me to know, and to see, and to feel, that You are holding me.
— A single mom