If you have ever had a day when you felt you were losing yourself, I’m writing this for you. Perhaps you lost yourself in feelings of apathy and disconnection — disinterested, lethargic, a “who cares anyhow” kind of losing yourself. Perhaps you lost yourself to anger, to adult-sized temper tantrums, or to mentally jabbing fingers of blame at anyone who crossed your path. Perhaps you lost yourself in fears, in racing thoughts that wouldn’t let you rest, or in a rising feeling of overwhelm with no way out. We’ve all been there, all of us humans, at least. Some days are harder for no known reason at all. They just are.
The fact is that some days are simply harder than others. Some are harder because a person is going through a personal rough patch; some because they are wired to be easily overwhelmed and overstimulated (or understimulated!); some because of a challenge in a relationship or a life transition. And some days are harder for no known reason at all. As a trauma therapist who works with people who struggle to get through the day, I’d like to share something important I’ve learned. I learned it professionally, and it altered my life both personally and professionally. It’s a simple, novel idea. Here it is: knowing why we feel so bad does not, in fact, make us feel better. Figuring out the array of ingredients concocted to create a hard time rarely makes it easier. While insight and self-analysis can be fascinating, they are fairly useless at helping anyone get through the hardest times. The best part of this is, there’s a refreshing alternative.
We can readily find what does help us get through the day, what brings us back to calm, closer to the clear-minded people we want to be. To the self that is kind, compassionate, able to handle hard things graciously, curious about the world and open to possibilities, willing to connect to a Power greater than I. And the incredible thing is that what helps me, and what I believe can help you, is right at your fingertips. The simplest, most reliable way to get through the hardest time is to tap into our senses. Fingertips, yes. Also sight. It’s in your muscles and your heartbeat. It’s in all your senses. It’s in Earth’s gravity and in your ability to move, to sit or stand upright, despite it.
I’d call this thing the body, if the body hadn’t gotten such a bad rap. The body “remembers” things, and (seemingly, mercilessly) hangs on to traumatic memories and uncomfortable experiences. The body keeps the score. Clearly, no one in their right mind would go near the body while having a hard day! So instead, let’s call it your sense of self in space, now. What I have learned, with myself and with hundreds of clients over the past decade and more, is that when we find ways to sense ourselves here, now, we regain our minds. In fact, we reclaim our truest selves. When we connect to something in our sensory world that does us good, the adult tantrum can settle. The panic passes. The immovable, oppressive shutdown can gradually soften.
The sensory world is endless, so this is like an exploratory expedition to find those good things. It may be something you see, touch, or hold. It may be music, stillness, closeness, or space. It may be feeling the ground, or moving on it. Water, air, light, cozy wraps, hot drinks or cold ones. Swinging on a swing. Climbing a hill, or reaching for a tree, a plant, a leaf. Your breath, perhaps, or your pulse. If you are a survivor of trauma, this is especially important. Bringing yourself into the here and now will help you regain the power and steadiness that trauma dismantled. It takes care, and patience, and it is possible. This is about slowly reclaiming your lost sense of self, a basic sense of okay-ness, on these hard days. So, on this expedition of discovery, allow yourself to spend time with one sense for a few moments at a time — perhaps ten or twenty seconds — and then simply let yourself be.
The expedition — seven places to come home to: Gravity. Movement. Sight. Touch. Sound. Smell. Taste. Sense, then let it be. If it does you good, play with it for a couple rounds: sensing, then letting it be. You’ll know it’s doing the thing it was created to do when your thoughts slow, or your mind clears. And as that happens, you’re coming home. Home, to your self.