You're klopping away on your chest during selichos, going through the mental list of all those oopsies during the year. You genuinely regret them. You're asking HaShem for forgiveness. You're totally in the zone.
But then you remember that lashon hara you spoke about Yankel back in April, and you realize there's something you've got to do before you can secure mechila from HaShem.
What do you have to do? You have to apologize to Yankel first, right?
Well, not exactly.
What you're thinking of is the mishna in Yoma 85b. And here's what it actually says:
עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַמָּקוֹם — יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר. עֲבֵרוֹת שֶׁבֵּין אָדָם לַחֲבֵרוֹ — אֵין יוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים מְכַפֵּר עַד שֶׁיְּרַצֶּה אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ.
"Regarding sins between a person and God, Yom Kippur atones. Regarding sins between a person and another person, Yom Kippur does not atone until he appeases the other person." — Yoma 85b
Note that it doesn't say "until he apologizes to the other person" or "until he asks forgiveness from the other person." Chazal chose the words עַד שֶׁיְּרַצֶּה, which translates very loosely to "until he appeases" the other person, or perhaps "until he satisfies" the other person (see Rav Hirsch in Vayikra 26:34).
Let's talk about that for a moment.
Apology, Accountability, Connection
I see this all the time in my work as a marriage counselor. More often than not, it's in the man-woman direction: "I apologized to her already! But it's not enough. It's never going to be enough until I'm groveling on my knees. That's what she wants."
I have actually never met a woman who wants her husband to grovel on his knees. (It's not really a good look.) What is it she's looking for? Why isn't she accepting his apology? The answer is that it's not actually about admitting fault or "taking accountability." It's about connection. As, of course, relationships are meant to be.
If you come up to me and say, "Raffi, I'm not happy with you because you—" "SORRY." I cut right to the chase there. I apologized. Do you feel better?
You do not.
Do I even know what I was apologizing for? Doubtful. Because you can't apologize for a problem you don't understand. The reason my hypothetical client's wife wasn't "appeased" by his apology was because he didn't really get it. He may well have been sincere, sincere about his regret for snapping at her, coming home late without calling, yelling at the kids. But he doesn't understand what is hurting her, and therefore his apology can only go so far.
Before You Can Repair
This is a key point in relationships. Before you can apologize, before you can repair a problem, you must understand the problem. And then you must care about the problem. That is where connection lives.
That's why getting mechilah from Above doesn't require you to apologize so much as to be meratzeh. Anybody can apologize. But HaShem isn't looking for us to check a box here. He wants us to build connection, with each other, just as we aim to build connection with Him.
To be meratzeh someone is to bring them satisfaction. My hypothetical client might say satisfaction that he has eaten enough humble pie. But really she wants to be satisfied that he understands her. When he can say, "oh, you're upset about that comment because it made you feel small and unvalued in my eyes, yeah, gosh, that sounds awful," then she's satisfied that he gets it, and that he cares about her pain. Only then is an apology going to be of real value. (Here's a fun secret: once you nail the understanding and the caring, you'll often find that an apology really isn't even needed anymore.)
The Three Most Important Words
The halacha lemaaseh here is paradigm-shifting and marriage-altering. When your spouse is upset with you, and this is especially useful when you know they're upset but they won't talk about it, you can come to them with the three most important words in marriage. Those words are not "I was wrong." They are "help me understand." You're mad about what happened today? Help me understand why you're hurting. You don't like how I spoke to your mother? Help me understand why that feels bad to you. These words are a doorway to connection.
Once I understand, once you are satisfied that I understand, then you are ready to let my love and empathy in. Because I really do care about you. And even if I see it differently, and even if I don't agree that I said what you think I said or meant what you definitely know I meant, I can still have empathy for your pain. I can be meratzeh you.
The Elul Connection
Teshuvah is critically dependent on us cultivating connection with our spouses, our families, our friends. We know that HaShem will tolerate rebellion against Him far more than He'll tolerate fractiousness among ourselves:
אֲפִלּוּ יִשְׂרָאֵל עוֹבְדִין עֲבוֹדַת כּוֹכָבִים וְשָׁלוֹם בֵּינֵיהֶם, כִּבְיָכוֹל אָמַר הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא אֵין הַשָּׂטָן נוֹגֵעַ בֵּינֵיהֶם… אֲבָל מִשֶּׁנֶּחְלְקוּ מַה נֶּאֱמַר בָּהֶם: חָלַק לִבָּם עַתָּה יֶאְשָׁמוּ.
"Even when Israel worships idols, if there is peace among them, the Holy One says: the accuser cannot touch them… But once their hearts are divided: 'Now they will bear their guilt.'" — Bamidbar Rabbah 11:7
If we aren't connected to each other, we're in trouble.
If you really want your al chets to go far this year, then before you go klopping, turn to your spouse, turn to your friend, and start with, "help me understand."
Note from the editor: for halacha lema'aseh, be sure to ask your local Orthodox Rabbi.